Eastwick

Eastwick, or as Rabia, calls, it, the Twitchie show. Even though there’s no Previously On, I just wanted to say that I’m surprised that ABC is trying to remake The Witches of Eastwick, even though multiple previous attempts have failed. Regardless, I actually find it kind of fun and whimsical, even if the characters are all such cardboard cutouts that I can’t ever remember their names.
Our three twitches and Darryl are in a restaurant. Darryl remarks how happy he is to be invited to “ladies night out.” Rebecca Romijn points out that he invited them, but he says he still enjoys them. Did I miss an episode or something? At what point did they all become buddies? As the girls chat, catching us up on expositional wah wahs (Redheaded Twitch: I have no husband anymore! Blonde twitch: Anal retentiveness about my recently, almost raped daughter!), brunette twitch’s boy= comes into the restaurant. He’s still mad at her for hooking up with her stupid ex-fiance. Redheaded twitch goes to give newspaper guy the “what-for,” which goes down disastrously, she actually says, “No one puts Joanna in the corner.” I want to shoot myself. There’s a lot more silliness, but I get distracted by my roommate’s cousins golden retrievers, so things happen and there’s a commercial. Or something. Who knows?
The next scene happens at Roxie’s house. I really, really love how whimsical/artsy they made it — it’s like a mix of a courtesan’s boudoir and the creepy witch house in Hocus Pocus. Which, if you consider her character, is perfect. Anyway, Roxie’s daughter Mia is video chatting with the cute curly haired boy she met last episode. I find that to be such a weird an invasion of privacy, and would never talk to someone I was crushing on via video chat, but then I’m an old person. Rebecca Romijn comes home, and Mia freaks out and slams the laptop closed. Nice phone etiquette you’ve taught your daughter, Roxie. But then again, you’re dating a boy who could be your son, so…
Speaking of which: Matt Dallas is back! Matt Dallas is back! Rabia, I assume, would want all of you know to that I’m a crazy obsesser because of how much I love Matt Dallas, but, let’s just say that once upon a time, there was a show called Kyle XY dvd box set. It was on ABC Family guy dvd box set , it was weird, but Matt Dallas was on it, and even though the character he played always seemed slightly autistic, he had these adorable little mouth smirks. But he played an over eager 16-year-old, which made it really inappropriate for me to have a crush on him. Now, however, he plays Rebecca Romijn’s boyfriend, and is 27, which means two things: First, I can stare at his adorable face without feeling like a cougar. Second, he has finally hit the perfect spot between adorable, overeager puppy and sex-pot. Woo hoo!
Anyway, dear Mattie stops by Roxie’s store to see if she wants to have “Slunch,” which is his new word for “Sex and lunch.” As she gets ready to head out (and as adorable as MD 1-5 dvd is, and gorgeous as RR looks, I just can’t buy the two of them together, and it’s especially creepy when she acts like his mom and offers to make him PB and J, even though that’s clearly the point), he sees her daughter’s diary sitting on the counter. Roxie gets all defensive, but Mattie (who IMDB tells me is actually named Chad, like, really, Show? Chad? Could you be more of a caricature of yourself?) decides to play Devil’s advocate and tells her to start reading it. This, for some reason (got distracted again, sorry) instigates a conversation between the two about Roxie’s super powers. Chad surprisingly, believes her without any of the usual conceit: “What?! You’re a witch! Vampires are real! Ahhh!” Instead, he offers to be her Professor X/Yoda, initiating the following amusing conversation:
Kyle XY dvd box set./MD/Chad: I read a lot of sequential art books.
Roxie: You mean comic books.
Kyle XY dvd box set.: Graphic novels. I can be your Professor X.
Roxie: I … don’t know who that is.
Restaurant. The redheaded witch whose name I can never remember is having lunch with Darryl, and complaining/confessing about how she doesn’t know how to flirt or date because she married the first guy she ever flirted with. Now is the time that Rabia and I want you to know how glad we are that her stupid ex-husband is no longer on the show.
Back at Roxie’s artsy house, Roxie is trying to guess cards, but not doing it well. Mattie/Chad tells her to focus. Roxie: “You’re the most annoying Yoda ever.” And, scene.
High school. Roxie’s daughter is walking around with the cute nerdie boy with the curly hair. The nerdy boy is also Chad’s younger brother, which is way too high of an ick factor, even for me. (And I watch True Blood). They’re being flirty, until Mia’s cool friends come up. Curly haired nerd bolts, and Mia’s friends give her a hard time for hanging out with a nerd. It’s okay, nerdy boy: When you get to college and start wearing skinny jeans, girls will think you’re the bomb diggity.
Back to RR’s den of magick. MD dvd box set is still trying to train Roxie’s mind with his guess-the-card game, but Roxie’s too distracted by Mia being out too late to pay attention. I, however, am distracted by how awesome her hair looks. I haven’t mentioned this before, but I am really glad ABC didn’t force Rebecca Romijn to lose the baby weight. She’s gorgeous, and for once, not stickish. MD dvd finds her whole mothering thing adorable, and does that little quirky smile thing I can’t ever get over. When RR finally decides to just grab her keys and go (Mattie: It’s ok. Tonight was kind of a bust, anyway.) It’s ambiguous whether he’s referring to her not being able to read the cards or if he means because they didn’t have sex. It’s dinner time, so: Sdinner? Sevening snack? Not going to work. Magickly, because she’s magickal, and the huge scary moon apparently is when she and the other girls “come into their powers,” she guesses all the cards right, shocking my future husband.
In the newspaper office, brunette twitch is freaking out, because their source about the Darryl story gave them pretty much everything. As she rants and raves about her back being up against the wall, or some similar double entendre, the same ridiculous moon shows up, and suddenly they are taken over by the Bon Temps virus (minus icky black eyes), and decided that they need to “party.”
Rabia: Does anyone even use party that way?
Outside on the Gilmore Girls dvd ’ set (yep, Eastwick takes place on the old Gilmore Girls dvd box set ’ set, so if you thought it looked like Stars Hollow, you were right), the two most beautiful people ever are walking down the street, trying to find Mia. Rebecca Romijn’s precognition powers (my notes here say: prepositional powers) go into overdrive and she starts telling people things about themselves and their lives they don’t want to know. Mattie crows over how awesome her new powers are, then they realize they are both horny and start going at … as does everyone else in town, especially this hilarious old woman who grabs a younger dude and starts macking. It’s like the PG version of True Blood, which makes sense since New Englanders aren’t nearly as crazy (aka: have sticks too far up their bums to really let their inner deviants fly). Also, I really hate the word horny.
Hot redhead shows up in a hot redhead Jessica Rabbit dress. Darryl is sitting there, and I think he thinks she’s there to put the moves on him, but it’s pretty obvious she’s there to sing. She climbs up on the piano and starts singing.
Out in the street, or alley, or something, Roxie and Kyle XY have just finished doing it. They talk about how they can’t believe they did it (I’m assuming they mean outside, since I’m pretty sure all they pretty much do is have sex), and how they are going to do it again. Just then, Roxie gets a flash: her daughter, being led into a holdup cell at a police station. As she recovers from her vision with an overly concerned Kyle (I’m sorry, I can never remember what his character’s name is), a police officer shines a light on them, with a “is everybody going crazy in this town tonight?” Officer, if you want to see crazy, you should go to Ben Temps. Everyone is in boxers.
In a really bad transition, we return to hot redheaded twitch, whose singing has managed to make the candle flames go super high and will probably burn down the restaurant in a second. We see Mia making out with her curly haired nerdy friend in front of a teepeed school, and then back to singing witch. I should be on this show (or it’s all just really obvious), because like I premonitioned (premonited?), the restaurant is now on fire. Guess brunette journalist witch can now add “arsonist” to her description of Darryl in her article.
Speaking of which, we see her in the montage writing her story furiously … which they then take in to Clyde, the editor … who is not wearing pants! Oh, and that moment I also premonissed happened as well, because Penny kisses brunette twitch. Girl on girl action!
Back in the prison cell, MD and RR are sitting in the jail cell together, both unbelieving that they had an “alley quickie.” The lingo of this show astounds me. They are interrupted when they see Mia and Matt’s younger brother being led into the cell by the police officer. Arguing and awkwardness ensues, especially when Roxie realizes that her daughter made out with her jailbait boyfriend’s younger brother. Ewwwww. Mini Roxie hurts younger brother’s feelings by admitting she’s embarrassed to be seen with him. I’m sure he’s already embarrassed enough that his older brother is dating the town cougar. This is made even clearer when Mia looks at her mom and says, “What did you end up in here for?”
Back at the burned down restaurant, the redhead ends up having a meet-cute with a very sexy firefighter. That’s a relationship that could come in handy, especially if she doesn’t get the flame power thing under control. And then, they make out. Woo hoo. Commercials. Also, I didn’t realize that the sexy firefighter was actually Joanna’s coworker/crush man, because he isn’t wearing glasses. Isn’t that really dangerous, to have a semi-blind firefighter who fights fire without glasses on? Oy.
The next morning, the town recovers from their crazy party. Kat wakes up on Joanna’s couch. Wasn’t she just making out with Joanna’s boy toy? How did she get home? I’m really confused. Now is the time, also, for me to remark on how absurd it is that the three of them went from not being buddies, to bosom buddies. Whatever, I’m almost done. Joanna comes home from a run, picks up the newspaper, and sees the less-than-accurate story she published on Darryl. Cue her boss (played by Steve Hytner, who was Kenny on Seinfeld, and how’s that for random pop culture for you?) calling and yelling at her. I hope that he’s currently wearing pants.
Back in Roxie’s Pad of Frilly Clothes and Whimsy, Roxie and Mia make up, and Roxie helps Mia write a text to the boy. She makes a joke about double dating, but I really don’t want to go there.
Joanna goes into work, where Darryl is waiting for her. Joanna is essentially F’d, because Darryl has proof that he is who he says he is. And the baby who died (and he had stolen the identity of) was his cousin, apparently. This all ends with Joanna getting fired.
In the street, Kat surveys the ruins of her night of singing and debauchery. Lots of burned stuff everywhere. Darryl shows up in his town car/limo, tells her she can burn down whatever club of his she desires, and then bounces, leaving Kat to ponder her witchy ways.
Back at Roxie’s AGAIN, Matt Dallas is there, and they are trying out her magickal card reading powers. The swirly music of magick stars up, but … no dice. Upset that she can’t do magick anymore, Mattie and Roxie kiss … cueing up a disturbing vision, where Roxie and Mia are at a funeral. Roxie and Mia are hugging, and Roxie is wearing a horrifying hat, but what’s scarier is that Matt Dallas might die in a few months. NO!
Next week: Roxie thinks she’s on FlashForward, Joanna is unemployed, and then gets pissed when she finds out tall blonde journalist kissed Kat. Uh oh, trouble’s a brewing! gilmore girls box set
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